Okay, seriously.

I really need a day by myself at home so I can do these fucking photos of the scarves, lol.

Got a little bit of work done on a scarf on my lunch break today, but other than that I’m still trying to rest my freaking hands. It’s difficult.

Last night I was whining to my boyfriend about how I’ll never be able to stop having a day job because I can’t work on my business because of my day job. And this is one of those things that’s been going on for years, except now the problem isn’t that my at-home hours are mostly taken up by a child (he’s 16 and has a girlfriend that is much more fun than I am) it’s that my at-home hours are taken up by pain. I actually used to get more done when my son was little because I could work through exhaustion after he went to bed. I can’t work through this kind of nerve entrapment, arthritis, bursitis, etc. crap without crippling myself to the point where I can’t make anything for days or weeks. I can’t work to the point where all the above issues start seriously impacting my ability to perform at my day job because I need it to feed that 16 year old since I can’t make money on my business.

All the vicious. All the circle.

What I didn’t whine to him about: I worry how his future plans are going to prevent me from being able to do what I was kind of hoping for after my son is grown and gone.

I don’t really do big, grandiose dreams. I’m very task oriented but I also like things to be pretty organic in the way they unfold. I’m a pro at planning, but I often get sidetracked and feel bad if I go off in another direction. But I like the other directions! I don’t know if it’s a by-product of my bi-polar disorder or if I have some undiagnosed ADD or something… or if I’m just flaky. I’d probably be doing a lot better if I didn’t like just seeing where things take me, and I should probably cultivate a narrower focus, but that’s a different post.

My point up there is that so far I’m only thinking ahead a few steps so I can change gears without guilt or second guessing. Right now my goal is to get to a place where I can cut back hours at work. That’s it. I just want enough income from my business that I can work, like, 7 hours a day instead of 8. Or maybe 4 8 hour days instead of 5. I have pretty amazing health/dental/vision/behavioral health insurance that covers things like my chiropractor and free visits to a therapist for people in my immediate family – including anyone who lives with me even if it’s just a roommate or something! I don’t want to lose that shit any time soon.

Sean… okay first I need to point out that I’m 35 and he’s 24. He wants to get married (to me, he says… gross) and he wants kids (or else I’m going to have to put up with a lot of pets) and I’m almost done raising the baby I had just after high school. He’s still working at the same place as when he was 16. This year he finally took a promotion they’ve wanted to give him for a while, since he hasn’t been taking classes at ASU for the past couple semesters, and now he’s next up to be general manager of his own store. One of the options he’s considering is taking that GM position and saving his money up for a few years then just quitting, finishing his accounting degree, and getting a better paying job in his chosen field. This all sounds awesome for him and I even want to encourage him to do it except… that whole quitting and living off of savings things concerns me. It means that I can’t stop working full time. :/ It means that I don’t have any kind of safety net if I want to make changes and take risks. I just… don’t want to end up, 20+ years from now – with kids that are still not adults, constant pain from a “career” of repetitive stress, and decades of repressed hopes – wishing I could do what I want and resenting the hell out of everyone just for existing.

This has taken entirely too long to write, lol. And I’ve had a couple beers now, so we’ll just leave it at that.

All the personal. All the inappropriate.

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