Even after seeing my shrink and getting my meds adjusted, I’m having a lot of trouble dealing with all this nothing I’m doing lately. When I’m not hurting I try to do what I like doing and then I start hurting again because the things I enjoy are the things that hurt.

Yesterday I duct taped my thumb to my hand to immobilize it so I would stop making it worse by doing ordinary, everyday things.

I’m doing a lot of sudoku puzzles and playing flash games on Facebook and generally trying to fill up my hours with stupid bullshit until it’s time to go to bed.

Probably it should have been obvious before, but today I finally realized that this is grief for the person I’m never going to get to be. I’ve always known that the whole “you can achieve anything if you want it badly enough” thing is bullshit, but you hear it so much I guess I absorbed some of it anyway. You can’t be a blind fighter pilot, or a 4ft tall NBA player, or the Dalai Lama as a black woman. But to spend all this time and effort learning the skills to do a thing and then be foiled by my own body (and at an age where it shouldn’t have happened yet) is pretty awful.

So my life is filled with a lot of boredom and sadness and, honestly, too much alcohol. I’m not sure how to describe my regret/not regret for putting off really going for it in my business, but I definitely ended up leaving it for too late. I didn’t even give myself a chance to really try, the plan was to wait until my son was grown and I could take the financial risk without having to worry about him so much. He turns 18 in less than two months. So I wish I hadn’t taken years to do it, especially as my day jobs are what have really destroyed my hands. But I also took years to start getting treatment for my bi-polar disorder, and juggling mental problems and single-parenthood and trying to run a small business seems like something I was smart not to do.

Anyhow, what I’m trying to say is that it feels like my life is over. And it is. And I need to find a new one. It’s going to be hard to do from the couch.


2 thoughts on “FML

  1. “what I’m trying to say is that it feels like my life is over. And it is. And I need to find a new one. It’s going to be hard to do from the couch.”

    How I got to this place,the specifics of my situation are different but–I really identify with this. It’s how I’ve been feeling. When I feel like I’ve reached the end of the line in different areas of my life, and there’s no ‘next thing’ to grab onto. Where there isn’t momentum or a logical next step. And I am feeling too off to make my own luck and restart my own engine. I’m there on that same couch. If I’m understanding you even a little–I’m sorry you’re in that place too. Or wherever it is you actually are.

    Hope this random comment does not weird you out too much. Take care of you. x

    • Not weirded out at all, isn’t that the point of putting crap out on the internet? Lol. I’m sorry that you’re going through the same type of issues.

      I’ve spent 25 years wanting one thing (out of the 36 I’ve been alive) and so my logical next step is… elusive, so far. The only option I know of (bf asked if I’ve got a ring that fits that he can borrow) seems a little mundane compared to what I always wanted, and I’m worried I’ll glom on to it just because I can’t think of anything else instead of because it’s the right thing. :/

      Anyway, hope you find something to get you up and going again. If you keep looking there’s always something, but the wait is awful.

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