Holy crap, it’s Christmas Eve.

I have no photos right now, largely because I’m drinking and watching Penny Dreadful with a cat on my lap. The big red blanket is done, the maiden aunt scarf is done, the angel for grandma is done, and we got the sister a super cute pajama onesie in mid-October.

Sean gets to handle the menfolk. Which is why we are totally unprepared for them.

I’m planning to spend much of the afternoon/evening with a friend and have been trying to make her a scarf, but my cat is an asshole so it’s not been a productive evening, lol. Hopefully I’ll have good updates before Christmas Day.

Back in business?

No, not really. I just have a lot of hats that never sold, lol.

whiterainbowear

I’ve reopened my Etsy shop for a while (click the picture to go to go there!) but I’m probably not going to be making anything new for it.

The problems with my hands haven’t gotten any better (and are maybe actually worse) so I don’t work on much lately.

Any new stuff I do ends up on my Instagram with all the pictures of my cat.

Still depressed, still don’t know what I’m going to do, still hopeful that I’ll figure it out eventually.

FML

Even after seeing my shrink and getting my meds adjusted, I’m having a lot of trouble dealing with all this nothing I’m doing lately. When I’m not hurting I try to do what I like doing and then I start hurting again because the things I enjoy are the things that hurt.

Yesterday I duct taped my thumb to my hand to immobilize it so I would stop making it worse by doing ordinary, everyday things.

I’m doing a lot of sudoku puzzles and playing flash games on Facebook and generally trying to fill up my hours with stupid bullshit until it’s time to go to bed.

Probably it should have been obvious before, but today I finally realized that this is grief for the person I’m never going to get to be. I’ve always known that the whole “you can achieve anything if you want it badly enough” thing is bullshit, but you hear it so much I guess I absorbed some of it anyway. You can’t be a blind fighter pilot, or a 4ft tall NBA player, or the Dalai Lama as a black woman. But to spend all this time and effort learning the skills to do a thing and then be foiled by my own body (and at an age where it shouldn’t have happened yet) is pretty awful.

So my life is filled with a lot of boredom and sadness and, honestly, too much alcohol. I’m not sure how to describe my regret/not regret for putting off really going for it in my business, but I definitely ended up leaving it for too late. I didn’t even give myself a chance to really try, the plan was to wait until my son was grown and I could take the financial risk without having to worry about him so much. He turns 18 in less than two months. So I wish I hadn’t taken years to do it, especially as my day jobs are what have really destroyed my hands. But I also took years to start getting treatment for my bi-polar disorder, and juggling mental problems and single-parenthood and trying to run a small business seems like something I was smart not to do.

Anyhow, what I’m trying to say is that it feels like my life is over. And it is. And I need to find a new one. It’s going to be hard to do from the couch.

Still feels weird

Even after shutting down my shop earlier this year I’m not sure how I feel when I see someone using one of my designs. I mean, I’ve always felt kind of pleased by the cleverness of my cat hats and I’ve still never found any evidence that someone else was doing it that way before me. And I’m glad other people like it and that it’s helping them to make money… But it’s still annoying to see people doing better with it than I did, lol.

Anyway, I’m still alive. I just haven’t been able to do anything, really. Just getting through my day job is hard enough. Thankfully my new hobby, drinking, is pretty easy on them, hahaha. Although sometimes I need help opening bottles. 😟

So… this is happening

I’ve made the decision to shut down my business.

After 15 years of not really making anything of it – of not having the time or resources to really dedicate myself to it – it seems like time to let it go. At least for now.

 

Skirt! Yay!

Skirt! Yay!

Of course… that means a lot more time and energy to use on making things that I want to make instead of things I think will sell. And a lot more time to make things for myself!

I’m probably going to look like a kindergarten teacher, lol.

Another factor that went into my decision is my current physical state. By day I’m a data entry monkey and the current project I’ve been given is putting a lot of strain on my hands due to the complicated and fucking ridiculously unnecessary keyboard shortcuts (like having to press ctrl+alt+shift and right click to choose “copy” from one of the programs… wtf?)  In addition to my hands being mangled 5 days a week I’ve also started having more severe back problems than the norm, including shiny new back spasms. All this pain, plus the exhaustion that comes with the pain, makes me dread trying to work on something even when I start feeling desperate for something to do.

So many tutus!

So many tutus!

Anyway, I’m planning to continue to use this blog to show off the stuff I do, and my Instagram is a lot more convenient to post to, so check that out as well!

I’ve got a bag of partially finished scrunchies I’ve made (they don’t hold as securely as regular hair ties, but so much less hair breakage!) that I’m going to attempt to work on now. Hopefully I’ll have lots of pics of them soon. In the meantime, please enjoy these tutus I sold at a recent hash.

I learned a new thing today!

When I first started selling my kitty hats on Etsy, I was one of very few doing ears on hats and the only one using the technique I developed back in 2005. (I don’t know that I’m the first to do it this way, but I didn’t see it anywhere else online until after I started selling them.) Since then a lot of people have adopted my method because it’s easy and awesome and I don’t blame them one bit, but it does pose a problem for me to have so much competition now and so little time in which to make things. Especially since so many people have gotten so much better than me at it!

So today I took a little break from my to-make list and decided to experiment with decorative stitches to add a little something more to what I offer. The result was this pretty blue cabled hat I just listed.

I have gotten a couple things on the list done, though. Here’s the updated version:

I skipped Luna for now (even though I was watching Sailor Moon Crystal on Hulu while I worked) because it’s a pain. But I’ll get back to her eventually.

Today I also went through and lowered prices on most of my hats. So go check them out!