Still helping…

Where the fuck are the pompoms? I want to steal pompoms.

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Flat brioche can eat a dick!

I keep messing it up and it literally takes less time to start the fuck over than try to rip out stitches and figure out how to put that shit back on the needles. However, I’m assuming that I won’t always mess it up, so I guess I’ll keep practicing. This is attempt, like, 15.

My hands hurt so I need to stop now, though.

Holy crap, it’s Christmas Eve.

I have no photos right now, largely because I’m drinking and watching Penny Dreadful with a cat on my lap. The big red blanket is done, the maiden aunt scarf is done, the angel for grandma is done, and we got the sister a super cute pajama onesie in mid-October.

Sean gets to handle the menfolk. Which is why we are totally unprepared for them.

I’m planning to spend much of the afternoon/evening with a friend and have been trying to make her a scarf, but my cat is an asshole so it’s not been a productive evening, lol. Hopefully I’ll have good updates before Christmas Day.

Back in business?

No, not really. I just have a lot of hats that never sold, lol.

whiterainbowear

I’ve reopened my Etsy shop for a while (click the picture to go to go there!) but I’m probably not going to be making anything new for it.

The problems with my hands haven’t gotten any better (and are maybe actually worse) so I don’t work on much lately.

Any new stuff I do ends up on my Instagram with all the pictures of my cat.

Still depressed, still don’t know what I’m going to do, still hopeful that I’ll figure it out eventually.

FML

Even after seeing my shrink and getting my meds adjusted, I’m having a lot of trouble dealing with all this nothing I’m doing lately. When I’m not hurting I try to do what I like doing and then I start hurting again because the things I enjoy are the things that hurt.

Yesterday I duct taped my thumb to my hand to immobilize it so I would stop making it worse by doing ordinary, everyday things.

I’m doing a lot of sudoku puzzles and playing flash games on Facebook and generally trying to fill up my hours with stupid bullshit until it’s time to go to bed.

Probably it should have been obvious before, but today I finally realized that this is grief for the person I’m never going to get to be. I’ve always known that the whole “you can achieve anything if you want it badly enough” thing is bullshit, but you hear it so much I guess I absorbed some of it anyway. You can’t be a blind fighter pilot, or a 4ft tall NBA player, or the Dalai Lama as a black woman. But to spend all this time and effort learning the skills to do a thing and then be foiled by my own body (and at an age where it shouldn’t have happened yet) is pretty awful.

So my life is filled with a lot of boredom and sadness and, honestly, too much alcohol. I’m not sure how to describe my regret/not regret for putting off really going for it in my business, but I definitely ended up leaving it for too late. I didn’t even give myself a chance to really try, the plan was to wait until my son was grown and I could take the financial risk without having to worry about him so much. He turns 18 in less than two months. So I wish I hadn’t taken years to do it, especially as my day jobs are what have really destroyed my hands. But I also took years to start getting treatment for my bi-polar disorder, and juggling mental problems and single-parenthood and trying to run a small business seems like something I was smart not to do.

Anyhow, what I’m trying to say is that it feels like my life is over. And it is. And I need to find a new one. It’s going to be hard to do from the couch.

Still feels weird

Even after shutting down my shop earlier this year I’m not sure how I feel when I see someone using one of my designs. I mean, I’ve always felt kind of pleased by the cleverness of my cat hats and I’ve still never found any evidence that someone else was doing it that way before me. And I’m glad other people like it and that it’s helping them to make money… But it’s still annoying to see people doing better with it than I did, lol.

Anyway, I’m still alive. I just haven’t been able to do anything, really. Just getting through my day job is hard enough. Thankfully my new hobby, drinking, is pretty easy on them, hahaha. Although sometimes I need help opening bottles. 😟