Holy crap, it’s Christmas Eve.

I have no photos right now, largely because I’m drinking and watching Penny Dreadful with a cat on my lap. The big red blanket is done, the maiden aunt scarf is done, the angel for grandma is done, and we got the sister a super cute pajama onesie in mid-October.

Sean gets to handle the menfolk. Which is why we are totally unprepared for them.

I’m planning to spend much of the afternoon/evening with a friend and have been trying to make her a scarf, but my cat is an asshole so it’s not been a productive evening, lol. Hopefully I’ll have good updates before Christmas Day.

FML

Even after seeing my shrink and getting my meds adjusted, I’m having a lot of trouble dealing with all this nothing I’m doing lately. When I’m not hurting I try to do what I like doing and then I start hurting again because the things I enjoy are the things that hurt.

Yesterday I duct taped my thumb to my hand to immobilize it so I would stop making it worse by doing ordinary, everyday things.

I’m doing a lot of sudoku puzzles and playing flash games on Facebook and generally trying to fill up my hours with stupid bullshit until it’s time to go to bed.

Probably it should have been obvious before, but today I finally realized that this is grief for the person I’m never going to get to be. I’ve always known that the whole “you can achieve anything if you want it badly enough” thing is bullshit, but you hear it so much I guess I absorbed some of it anyway. You can’t be a blind fighter pilot, or a 4ft tall NBA player, or the Dalai Lama as a black woman. But to spend all this time and effort learning the skills to do a thing and then be foiled by my own body (and at an age where it shouldn’t have happened yet) is pretty awful.

So my life is filled with a lot of boredom and sadness and, honestly, too much alcohol. I’m not sure how to describe my regret/not regret for putting off really going for it in my business, but I definitely ended up leaving it for too late. I didn’t even give myself a chance to really try, the plan was to wait until my son was grown and I could take the financial risk without having to worry about him so much. He turns 18 in less than two months. So I wish I hadn’t taken years to do it, especially as my day jobs are what have really destroyed my hands. But I also took years to start getting treatment for my bi-polar disorder, and juggling mental problems and single-parenthood and trying to run a small business seems like something I was smart not to do.

Anyhow, what I’m trying to say is that it feels like my life is over. And it is. And I need to find a new one. It’s going to be hard to do from the couch.

So… this is happening

I’ve made the decision to shut down my business.

After 15 years of not really making anything of it – of not having the time or resources to really dedicate myself to it – it seems like time to let it go. At least for now.

 

Skirt! Yay!

Skirt! Yay!

Of course… that means a lot more time and energy to use on making things that I want to make instead of things I think will sell. And a lot more time to make things for myself!

I’m probably going to look like a kindergarten teacher, lol.

Another factor that went into my decision is my current physical state. By day I’m a data entry monkey and the current project I’ve been given is putting a lot of strain on my hands due to the complicated and fucking ridiculously unnecessary keyboard shortcuts (like having to press ctrl+alt+shift and right click to choose “copy” from one of the programs… wtf?)  In addition to my hands being mangled 5 days a week I’ve also started having more severe back problems than the norm, including shiny new back spasms. All this pain, plus the exhaustion that comes with the pain, makes me dread trying to work on something even when I start feeling desperate for something to do.

So many tutus!

So many tutus!

Anyway, I’m planning to continue to use this blog to show off the stuff I do, and my Instagram is a lot more convenient to post to, so check that out as well!

I’ve got a bag of partially finished scrunchies I’ve made (they don’t hold as securely as regular hair ties, but so much less hair breakage!) that I’m going to attempt to work on now. Hopefully I’ll have lots of pics of them soon. In the meantime, please enjoy these tutus I sold at a recent hash.

And more than a month later…

I finally post again!

At least I’ve been working on stuff?

I had a show on Valentines Day at which I sold exactly nothing. So that was fun.

More unicorn hats have been made. Two have been sold, two have not. I need to put together the listings and shit.

I vacillate between wanting to just shut down my business and read all the time like I used to before and wanting to really get serious about this shit. Right now I’m in serious mode, lol. I even bought a book from my FB friend Luca at Creative Enabler because I could honestly use some help getting my shit together to do this.

I’m trying to decide if I want to invest my tax refund in my business or if that’s useless (considering I made – according to the calculators on Turbotax – $2 off it last year) and I should just save it. Currently I’m just compiling a list of stuff I think would be awesome to have. Then I’ll have to identify the difference between the few things that are worth the initial outlay because they’re likely to pay off and the things that I should only worry about once that payoff actually happens.

Anyway, I’m tired and I need to put my unicorn hats up on my Etsy. Or maybe open them up for sale on my Facebook page?