Year in review + existential despair.

So it’s a couple years on from when I realized I couldn’t keep up with my business anymore and it’s still pretty awful. One of the most difficult parts is that my family is… sort of unsympathetic. My kid is barely an adult and currently upset that he has to work to pay for everything that isn’t the roof over his head or the food in his mouth. Dick.

And now for something completely different…

No new craft news to report so instead I’ll tell you a story that pretty much sums me up as a person.

10 or 15 years ago I signed up for one of those free credit report websites so I could check my FICO score. (710 back then, now it’s probably like… idk, 4?) I totally forgot to end my free trial before they started charging me monthly fees, so when I saw the charge on my bank statement I tried to log on and cancel. Couldn’t get in. I hadn’t repeated any of my other passwords, couldn’t remember the new one, and couldn’t reset it because it wasn’t accepting my answers to the security questions. I called customer service and the rep pulled up my info. After explaining my issue to her, she was quiet for a moment.

“I can’t tell you what your answers are, but I can tell you they’re all exactly the same.”

“…did I answer everything ‘Tony Danza?'”

Yes. That’s what I did.

Ow.

Worked too much on projects lately! My hand isn’t bad yet, but I should really make sure I can use it at work tomorrow. 😦

I’ve almost finished a mock-up of the tentacles for the octopus hat and I knitted (what? I never knit!) my kid a scarf/cowl/neckwarmer thing to wear when he has to walk home from work at night. I was nice and used yarn that matches his 10 or so Raiders hats. It looks about as bad as most things I’ve ever knit, lol. At least it’s warm?

My second shitty cold of the holiday season has me coughing like fucking crazy, so that’s something I want to complain about here for a second. It’s driving me nuts and scaring the cat. I gave it to the boyfriend, as well. So that’s also fun.

Back to looking longingly at the yarn I can’t play with, boo.

Back in business?

No, not really. I just have a lot of hats that never sold, lol.

I’ve reopened my Etsy shop for a while (click the picture to go to go there!) but I’m probably not going to be making anything new for it.

The problems with my hands haven’t gotten any better (and are maybe actually worse) so I don’t work on much lately.

Any new stuff I do ends up on my Instagram with all the pictures of my cat.

Still depressed, still don’t know what I’m going to do, still hopeful that I’ll figure it out eventually.

FML

Even after seeing my shrink and getting my meds adjusted, I’m having a lot of trouble dealing with all this nothing I’m doing lately. When I’m not hurting I try to do what I like doing and then I start hurting again because the things I enjoy are the things that hurt.

Yesterday I duct taped my thumb to my hand to immobilize it so I would stop making it worse by doing ordinary, everyday things.

I’m doing a lot of sudoku puzzles and playing flash games on Facebook and generally trying to fill up my hours with stupid bullshit until it’s time to go to bed.

Probably it should have been obvious before, but today I finally realized that this is grief for the person I’m never going to get to be. I’ve always known that the whole “you can achieve anything if you want it badly enough” thing is bullshit, but you hear it so much I guess I absorbed some of it anyway. You can’t be a blind fighter pilot, or a 4ft tall NBA player, or the Dalai Lama as a black woman. But to spend all this time and effort learning the skills to do a thing and then be foiled by my own body (and at an age where it shouldn’t have happened yet) is pretty awful.

So my life is filled with a lot of boredom and sadness and, honestly, too much alcohol. I’m not sure how to describe my regret/not regret for putting off really going for it in my business, but I definitely ended up leaving it for too late. I didn’t even give myself a chance to really try, the plan was to wait until my son was grown and I could take the financial risk without having to worry about him so much. He turns 18 in less than two months. So I wish I hadn’t taken years to do it, especially as my day jobs are what have really destroyed my hands. But I also took years to start getting treatment for my bi-polar disorder, and juggling mental problems and single-parenthood and trying to run a small business seems like something I was smart not to do.

Anyhow, what I’m trying to say is that it feels like my life is over. And it is. And I need to find a new one. It’s going to be hard to do from the couch.

Oof, I don’t want to think about it like that…

Was just clicking on links on Facebook and ran across this gem in regards to terminal cancer:

“This is the kind of thing that happens to somebody else, not us.  But then I have to remember… we are somebody else to somebody else.”

Accurate and philosophical and hopefully something that brings the guy comfort, but now I’m going to worry more with every near-miss accident that happens directly in front of me on the highway. And probably stop going to the doctor. Can’t be a statistic if you don’t get recorded!

So… this is happening

I’ve made the decision to shut down my business.

After 15 years of not really making anything of it – of not having the time or resources to really dedicate myself to it – it seems like time to let it go. At least for now.

 

Skirt! Yay!

Of course… that means a lot more time and energy to use on making things that I want to make instead of things I think will sell. And a lot more time to make things for myself!

I’m probably going to look like a kindergarten teacher, lol.

Another factor that went into my decision is my current physical state. By day I’m a data entry monkey and the current project I’ve been given is putting a lot of strain on my hands due to the complicated and fucking ridiculously unnecessary keyboard shortcuts (like having to press ctrl+alt+shift and right click to choose “copy” from one of the programs… wtf?)  In addition to my hands being mangled 5 days a week I’ve also started having more severe back problems than the norm, including shiny new back spasms. All this pain, plus the exhaustion that comes with the pain, makes me dread trying to work on something even when I start feeling desperate for something to do.

So many tutus!

Anyway, I’m planning to continue to use this blog to show off the stuff I do, and my Instagram is a lot more convenient to post to, so check that out as well!

I’ve got a bag of partially finished scrunchies I’ve made (they don’t hold as securely as regular hair ties, but so much less hair breakage!) that I’m going to attempt to work on now. Hopefully I’ll have lots of pics of them soon. In the meantime, please enjoy these tutus I sold at a recent hash.

Changes? Maybe.

I’m attempting to take a different approach to my business practices. Mostly by having business practices instead of just doing whatever I want and not really being concerned with what the results are.

This is just a side gig, but wouldn’t it be nice if it weren’t a side gig in a few years? Of course it would be nice. But that’s not going to happen unless I change how I’m doing this.

Woot!

Not going to update my list yet, mostly because I’m making stuff that’s already sold to my friends, yay!

I’m tired. Work at 5am. And only a 3-day holiday weekend. On the other hand, I get to have 2 Thanksgivings if I want them. So there’s that, hahaha.

Anyway, more updates as soon as work and family allows!

I’m not being lazy, I’m being tired.

Okay, and disorganized. There are too many things I’m trying to do right now and it’s just not working.

Whatever.

I made another boob hat that I will be listing in my shop just as soon as I figure out where the camera is. (See, disorganized!)